** Recently I put out a request to a bunch of friends to send me funny stuff. Here are a few good chuckles!!! (I keep adding to this, btw.) Apologies about formatting ... difficulties, shall we say...
Drinking & Driving: I would like to share with you an experience that I recently had regarding drinking and driving. As you would know, most of us have had brushes with the law on our way home before. Well I, for one, have done something about it...the other night I was out for dinner and a few drinks with some friends. Having had a few too many drinks and knowing full well I was struggling, I did something I've never done before...I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before.
Another Lawyer Joke: A well-known divorce lawyer died & came before St. Peter. "What exactly have you done to earn eternal happiness?" asked St. Peter. The lawyer recalled that he had given a bum on the street a quarter just the other day. St. Peter, nodding grimly, looked over to his assistant, Gabriel, & asked "Is that in the records?" Gabriel nodded, but St. Peter told the lawyer it wasn't enough. "Wait, wait, there's more," said the lawyer. He told of tripping over a homeless boy the week before & giving the lad a quarter. Gabriel checked the records & confirmed the story. St. Peter contemplated & then asked Gabriel, "What should we do?" Gabriel glanced at the lawyer disgustedly. "I say we give him back his half a buck & tell him to go to Hell."
Man: A Woman’s Best Friend
Man is a woman’s best friend.He will reassure her when she feels insecure, & comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear & forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions & give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels she’s the most beautiful woman in the room & will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive & invincible. .................... No, wait...... Sorry....... I’m thinking of tequila. It’s tequila that does all that. Sorry!
Older Love Making
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite their ages, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and with age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.'
The Purina Diet (tks to Straight Goods!)
I have a Golden Retriever, a big dog. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Walmart, and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn' t because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I 'd been sitting in the street licking my privates and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Why we love children:
1) I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!”
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.”
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels & running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement, then asked, “What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?”
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up & down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?” “Yes,” I answered, & continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that's right,” I told her. “Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my canine partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me & then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What'd he do?”
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned & whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know it always gives you a headache the next morning.”
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son & his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box & cotton batting, then dug a hole & made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers & with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.” (I want this line used at my funeral!)
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I'm just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!”
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, “I think it's Adam's underwear!”
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks! Ed & his wife Norma go to the state fair every year. And every year Ed would say, “Norma, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Norma always replied, “I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks. And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!” One year Ed & Norma went to the fair & Ed said, “Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To which, Norma replied, “Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.” The pilot overheard the couple & said “Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride & don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Ed and Norma agreed & up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over & over again. But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed & said “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!” Ed replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Norma fell out. But you know, “Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”
The Haircut (very timely for Canadians, post-federal election!)
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asks about his bill & the barber replies, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.” The florist is pleased & leaves the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning, there’s a ‘thank you’ card & a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later a cop comes in for a haircut & when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.” The cop is happy & leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up, there’s another ‘thank you’ card & a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut & when he goes to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The MP is very happy & leaves the shop. The next morning, when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country & the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS & DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, & FOR THE SAME REASON
THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES. NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises …
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '
So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning ... Today you voted.'
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!
So we’re dressed & ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turn on a night light, turn the answering machine on, cover our pet parakeet & put the cat in the backyard. We phone the local cab company & request a taxi. The taxi arrives & we open the front door to leave the house. As we walk out the door, the cat we’d put out in the yard scoots back into the house. We don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I go back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon. “He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.” A few minutes later, I climb into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” I say, as we drive away. “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs & threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!” The silence in the cab is deafening…
How Children Perceive Their Grandparents
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick & started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, & I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, & then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changes into old slacks & a droopy blouse & proceeds to wash her hair. As she hears the children getting more & more rambunctious, her patience grows thin. Finally, she throws a towel around her head & storms into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she leaves the room, she hears the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo & I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something & ask what color it was. She would tell me & was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy & I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school & said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, & when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks & they blame their dog.