Brave Face (not...)

<written October 2002; i.e., almost 8 years ago!?>

I’ve been having the sort of day I've just cleverly thought of describing as “not putting a brave face on it.” I’m sure most folks who know me would be appalled to learn that the person they think I am behaves the way I have today.

It sort of started last night, really.

But I guess I have to explain that I live alone…well, except for my two cats. My daughters are away at university & my boyfriend lives a four-hour drive away. We'd spent the weekend together, but he’d headed out on Sunday morning & I’d gone into Toronto for a social event, returning to a dark house at 11:30 pm. When I came into the house, I registered what a mess I’d left in the kitchen (I’d baked some cookies to take with me to the potluck, then had to run out, leaving mixing bowls & greasy cookie sheets in a messy sink).

When I returned home, though, there was an extra item sitting by the sink. An empty pop can – & I don’t even keep pop in the house.

“Ah-ha,” I thought. “Some psychopath is stalking me & has left this visible signal of his aggressive intentions as a warning.” “I can get in anytime I like and leave scary clues.”

(Isn’t this what psychopaths do??)

Either that, or, what is entirely more likely, my delightful daughter popped in after I left (she had been back in town for the weekend & left while I was out at my potluck dinner), with her boyfriend, to spend a few stolen moments of privacy…

Well. Sometimes one’s rational mind goes on holiday (doesn’t yours?), & I wound up feeling slightly on edge today. (If you think this is kooky, you should hear my story about the 8 escaped convicts from Texas!! I’ll spare you that one here…).

It could also be the carbon monoxide that is slowly poisoning me… I have this nifty carbon monoxide detection device that all you have to do is plug in, but it’s been sitting idle on the kitchen table for months (along with certain bills I’m a little afraid to open). Maybe I’ll plug it in tomorrow…

Anyway… I just know that most folks take me for a capable, take-charge sort of woman who slays 15 dragons every day by noon, but I feel a need to confess that it just isn’t always so. Some days I am more wimp than dragon-slayer.

Today I finished the afternoon huddled on the couch under a ratty old comforter – reading & dozing off. I skipped my yoga class & ate crackers & cheese for supper & drank two beers.

And felt a little sorry for myself, it must be admitted.

But I’m feeling a lot better now! I went into the kitchen to make myself some microwave popcorn (this was before I learned those bags contain a dangerous chemical) & told the cat to stop giving me dirty looks – & that made me laugh at myself – & laughing at myself made me cheer up.

And you know what I think? I think tomorrow will be a better day. I will return to dragon-slaying with relish…

Janet

‘Quote of the day’ w. this post: “The privilege of a lifetime is to be who you are.” – Joseph Campbell, US folklorist & expert on mythology (1904 - 1987)