Remembrance Day; looking for my father

<Nov. 21/15>  

10 days ago now

on Remembrance Day

 

I remembered the war

(well, one of the wars; you know, they have been, ARE, pretty much endless)

 

the one my own biological father fought in

World War II

 

My father bombed

(among many cities)

beautiful Dresden

(the Florence of the Elbe, I believe they called it)

a truly stunning city, it was … & is now again (I’ve been there, I saw it; it’s stunning!)

 

Unable to feel proud or triumphant

About all those bombs he dropped

All those people he killed

Let’s not pretend I am proud

How could I be??

 

& the thought came quickly

unbidden, not particularly welcome

 

to me, that day, as I reflected on Remembrance Day

that divorce is very like a war

 

with fallout that lasts forever

(especially when children – innocent civilians – are involved)

 

Remembrance Day.

 

I generally say I don’t care about my father

(Who was not a kind man, it is said

Even before he “went to war”)

 

But two days later

In a library at a table with a Remembrance Day display of books

I found myself standing & paging through an entire book about soldiers

Pilots, bomber men, from WWII

 

…looking for my father

I guess?

 

It was the same day the attacks, the carnage, took place in Paris

Friday the 13th.

 

Fallout is forever.

This we know.

 

& we “innocent civilians”

 

will remain mystified

forever

it seems

 

When & how & why did all this … carnage begin?

 

Where

How

Why???

 

Can we never put an end to this fallout?

 

Apparently not.

 

Apparently not

Apparently not

Apparently not

 

Apparently we are tasked with somehow, somehow, making peace with endless war

 

p.s. on Dec. 30/15. Oh my word; cannot believe I failed to note that if you are looking for your father, or wondering about your father, & trying to understand yourself, still, after all these years & decades, you really must read the book reviewed here: oh yes, you must!!